I’ve been depressed for the last two months. I guess I commented on some blogs that I haven’t gotten laid for two and a half months. That’s because I had this incident that I might have been exposed to HIV before Christmas. I didn't want to spread HIV in case I was infected. Without sex for 2 months... wow... Ever since I got out of the 8 year relationship, I'd been enjoying playing in the field. I mean I really didn't want anything serious. Of course, I was being careful every time. I never let a guy "ejaculated" in my mouth, either. But how safe can you be when you are at it? I really wonder... Caution can be so wiped out by gorgeous great feelings you could get from sex. Anyway, before Christmas, I went to this cruising sleazy theatre to have some "good" time. One guy approached me and undid my pants and gave me head. I was very drunk at that time. While I was almost close to um... you know "release", it was a little bit painful but I couldn't let him stop. I shot huge and it was really great. I had a few more drinks and went back to the room. I was going to take a shower. That's when I realized. I had blood stains on my undies. I wouldn't have known this if I wore black underwear. And I didn't know it in the theatre as it was dark.
Unfortunately, I was wearing white underwear. I was very mortified by looking at the fresh red blood stains on my underwear. I immeidately sobered up. I found out that I had some scratches on my you know.... weener as well. This guy who gave me head was "teething" obviously. Even if teeth are not involved, I heard you get some scratches on your penis. Anyway, I tried to be cool and digested the whole incident. Even though the risk to get infected through getting head is very low, blood was present. I was told it wouldn't be perfectly detectable unless you wait for 2 months (In Japan, we need to wait for 2 months while some other countries require 3 months to wait. Thanks to the innovative medical technologies). For the last two months, I had to research more on HIV and AIDS. Even though I acted happy and pretty outside, I always had to think of HIVs and other STDs.
Last week, I went to this clinic to get tested for HIV and other STDs. The photo is my receipt fort the tests. I had to wait for another week until the results came back. I was very depressed. Now, HIV is not an immediate death threat for sure. There are pills to manage the symptoms. However, that doesn't mean anything it's alright in my dictionary. My ex who was with me for 8 years came back positive when we were in college. So I have a great idea what it's like to deal with HIV every day. Since I have a busy life, I cannot keep track of when to pop different pills accordingly. I am very confident I will get off the track. Did you know if I wanted to work in the United States, Canada, Belgium, France, so many other countries, I would be rejected if I were HIV positive? Not that I am planning to go anywhere but I'd like to keep my options. Today was the day when I could get the results. So I sneaked out of the office and didn't even know how I would react if the results came back positive. I didn't have any plan. I couldn't even think how I should have behaved. On the way there, I came up with so many questions that couldn't be easily answered. I looked at the beautiful twilight and asked myself if the twilight I saw would be pictured differently after becoming positive. I wondered the twilight would become more beautiful after verifying I was negative... My heart was racing and I wanted to pass out right there. But I managed to get into the clinic. The TV that was on in the waiting room broadcasted one politician making an address in the Diet. Although it was spoken in Japanese, I didn't even understand any word he said. My mind was somewhere else. I became lightheaded but my number 504 was called by this automatic voice at the reception. I got in and the doctor asked me how I was and if there was any symptom... I don't remember how I answered the questions. He showed me the results. A big negative sign. I thought I was relieved and I am sure I was. But I wasn't completely relieved. On gay.com in the article about HIV, there is no report that people became HIV positive through oral sex, but this doctor told me it was possible to get infected. I am not sure how my sex life is going to be. I haven't really figured it out yet. But one thing I am certainly sure about is that I do not want to go through this long depressive phase. After getting out of the clinic, I looked at the sky and the twilight was just as the same as the one I saw 15 minutes ago. It wasn't more beautiful. I walked back to the office, and my heart was still pounding so fast. I am not sure why even though I confirmed I am negative.
I think I will become a good boy and not cruise in a dark place at least but sadly, I don't think I can promise I'd never do it. It was a very meaningful lesson but I am very confused. Anyway, I am partially happy that I am negative. But I am not 100% happy. Very weird... People, please PLAY SAFE. You don't wanna go through depressive time like I did... That's all I am saying. Happy week!
Oh Shigeki, I was so worried as I was reading your post. I am very relieved that you are negative. I know just how you felt waiting for the test results though, I have been through the same thing. Even when you have been 'safe,' that period between taking the test and getting the results can be unbearable tension. I just got my test results back last Thursday as well (negative) -- I get tested regularly. I wish I could reach around the planet and hug you.
TK.
Dear Shigeki, I am so sorry about you having to go through this ordeal. You got my heart racing there for a while. Thank the heavens you are negative and I wish you'd stay that way forever! Stay healthy and safe, always. We love ya! Hugs.
My gosh! My heart beat was pacing so fast that I could hear it pounding.....
I'm glad that the results were negative and you now you need to take some time out and reflect about this situation. Take it easy...and slow down a little. Don't give in to temptation and it's not worth it! play safe my friend and good night.
Shigeki-san, how very courageous of you to share such a private detail of your life. You sure have acted "pretty" these past two months! Maybe, as time passes and the thoughts in your mind settle, you will begin to view your life and your suroundings (twilight) in a brighter light. I have heard that some people purposely make themselves HIV positive so they will live a more "fuller" life. I guess it just depends on our attitudes. And even if you were positive, I know your fans would totally support you. Remember that "aloha" not only means hello and goodbye, but "love" too. Aloha, Lane
Shigeki, like your other 'commenters' I too, am very happy that you are negative. I think there's something very familiar in your experience for gay men all over the world. It's something that we all live with and go through. It doesn't make it any less a heart-stopping moment when we do experience it. You're right when you say that the odds of getting HIV from oral are vanishingly low, but that doesn't mean you are not frightened, and of course none of us wants to be the first one to get it that way.
Here in Canada, if you are exposed in a serious way, they put you on HIV medication right away for one month while you are waiting for your tests. This way if you did get exposed you are hopefully killing it before it takes hold in your body. One month on HIV meds is about all any gay man needs to really understand the implications of this disease, not in terms of dying, but just in terms of day-to-day management of it. After your experience with your ex must have made that clear to you too. Before Christmas I had my own experience with it, took the drugs etc. It is awful. The drugs make you sick, depressed, tired and so on. But thinking about what coudl happen makes you sad and tired too.
And I agree, there's no way you can promise to not have sex again. That is not imporatant. Because we're human, we're male and we should not have to make an agreement to do something impossible. Many moralistic people would like us to make that promise, but it's bullshit. It's too easy at least in Western culture with the Judeo-Christian relgious overtones to everything, to think that there is any kind of moral aspect to your sexual choices. That is certainly something we deal with as gays.
I am sorry my comment is so long. I will shut up now. I amhappy that you are healthy and well.
I'm really happy for your negative result, Shigeki. I know what it feels like having to wait a week for the results but waiting for two months must have been really difficult for you. *hug* Please be careful. GB
There must be a shrine somewhere in Japan where I can go thank kamisama for your negative results! I know you are Catholic, but I feel that the gods must be thanked. I have also been through a similar experience. As much as it is fun to talk about being wild and crazy, the thought of STDs and HIV scares the bejeezus out of me. In Thailand, on a radio show, they were advising married women to always wear condoms when having sex with their husbands in case the husbands had been playing around. Safe sex is smart...we just have to make it sexier in our minds so that we don't think of it as a chore and so that we will always look forward to the ritual of protecting ourselves as well as our partners. I rejoice to hear your positive news about your negative result! (But the "ari" kanji freaked me out!!!!!)
Shigeki, very happy to hear you tested NEGATIVE. I'm always struck by how HIV makes the word negative, positive, and the word positive, negative...
A year or two ago I was having sex with a positive guy and the condom broke -- I had to do the month's worth of HIV drugs (no fun). The wait for the test was such a horribly long wait, so I know just how you felt. It was casual, in a bathhouse, sex I had so I also had all that misplaced guilt about "bad" sex too -- which is just stupid, really. Sex is a fantabulous thing and it is the virus which is a bad thing.
I would, however, let yourself celebrate that the fucking disease did not arrive in your body. Yes, it is really horrible that others (way, way too many) are suffering from the evil virus, but you are not and that is reason to be joyous. Sunsets and sunrises and blowjobs ARE more beautiful today, for you remain healthy and alive!
You are a new blogging friend for me, yet I was so worried reading your blog and am so, so delighted you are okay!
Namaste!
I can only imagine what the past few months have been like for you. I am glad everything turned out O.K and I hope you stay that way forever.
So glad you're negative. You poor baby. What a horrible problem to carry around all this while. Play safe, darlin.
Paul
Shigeki-san, I am so happy that the results were negative!
I agree with everyone else, you need to play safe! Maybe it's time to reconsider the "cruising" aspect of gay life, and look for something more permanent.....
Be well Sweetie.
Wow. First of all, I am happy to hear that your tests came negative.
I know the feeling of relief you must have had, and having to wait as long as you did for results of the test, having been down that road myself about five years ago.
It is good to have fun and sex is certainly fun... but you first duty is to yourself ;)
Cheers and good health!
hi shigeki :)
i m really glad that ur test were nagative ... though its not practical that u will always try to be SAFE ..i think u should change the rule (as u will finding a new job) so i would say that u find ur self a permanent partner it would be much safer that way n the time spent in searching will really pay off :)
Oh my god, I'm so sorry you've been afraid all by yourself for these past few months.
I think the best you can do is to try your best. You can't do any better than that. Try to avoid situations like the one that scared you, but don't hate yourself for being human either.
*hug*
I'm glad you got the results and they were negative.
Oh you poor thing, having to keep this to yourself for so long, that must have been awful. No wonder you've sounded a bit different recently. I'm so happy that you had a good result, nobody deserves to get that awful disease. You must be so relieved. We're all here for you though, please remember that. Take care of yourself, Shigeki-san.
hello shigeki,
so good to hear to that you're all clear! cheer up!!
I am glad that the result is negative; however, on the safe side you should do one more test after 6 months.
I been thru the similiar situation as you before. :) I know how it felt.
shigeki- I am very happy that you are negative. I was a little worried as I read the article. Maybe you should look around and see if they sell teeth proof condoms. Just ask at the pharmacy :-) Glad you are okay. by the way :-)
Shigeki,
I am also very happy that your test results were negative. More importantly, I am happy because I see that there is a lesson learned from this experience. It's not just YOU who learned, but I'm sure a lot of your readers (myself included) have learned as well.
Thank you very much for sharing this very delicate yet useful information to all of us. It's a good reinforncement to be responsible and safe all the time.
Kisses,
Mike
I'm happy to hear you are healthy- HIV testing is VERY stressful, I know from experience as well. Lately, I've been getting the (blood) test that gives you results in 15 to 30 minutes while you wait- don't they have that in Japan? Big hug from NY! :)
I am sorry to have to go through it alone. But I am glad that everything turn out just fine n yes we all have to play safe!
i'm glad the result of the test was negative. i can only imagine your relief. however, i'm surprised that no one mentioned that you should be tested again in 3-4 months and then at the one year mark to make sure. according to the woman i know who is the director of aids saskatoon, the first test might not be a correct showing of the virus being present. at 2-3 months the test is accurate for 95% of the time. i'd recommend being tested again, just to be certain.
Hi TK,
That's very sweet of you. I am very relieved :-) I think this was the scariest test I have ever taken.... I get tested every four months... but I seriously don't like it. I got your hug virtually. :) Thanks very much! You have a great day!
Hi Mark,
Yeah, it's not a pleasant experience at all but it's better than ignoring the truth so I bit the bullet and got tested. I hope I'd stay that way, too but it's really brutal out there... Thank you very much for your hugs! I love ya!
Hi Ian,
Yeah, I guess this is something a lot of us have to go through. You can never be sure even if you are being very careful, you know. Well, I kind of like playing around so I don't think I can stop forever. But I will be very careful. Thanks! You have a good night!
Hi Lane,
Well, I was planning to blog about it once I knew I might have been exposed to HIV regardless of the results. But I wasn't sure how people would have responded if I were positive though... Thanks for your "aloha" and I didn't know it meant love as well! You have a good day! Mahalo!
Hi Mark,
Too bad that we don't have this early exposure drug treatment here in Japan. I wonder how effective that is though. You don't have to be sorry about your comment. It's very informative and I appreciate that. :-) Please do not shut up :-) And thanks for the e-mail. I will dig in later! You have a fantabulous day!
Hi GayBoyDiary,
Thank you very much. Yeah, it's no fun to wait for a week but since I got three different tests for HIV, I had to... I usually take two different tests but this time, I took another different one to be sure.... huh.. It was damn scary. I will be careful. So should you! have a gorgeous day!
Hi GaijinGirl,
Thanks! Although the idea of HIV is kinda scary, that's something we live with every day. The person next to you might be living with HIV but we don't know that. I am pretty sure HIV appears to be closer than we would think. um..by the way, I used to be catholic. :) That single old guy with the funny hat doesn't like my life style. You have a wonderful day!
Hi Steven,
Thank you very much. Wow, I had a similar experience about the condoms broken. I think I had that like 6 months ago. It was scary... But you see, I truly think condoms break more than we would like to imagine? Or was it really rough? Thanks for the sweet comment. I really appreciate that. let's be safe and enjoy our lives. You have a marvelous day!
Hi Cesar,
Yeah, those months were not great at all. If I didn't have a busy job like this one, I am sure I was more worried and drove myself insane. I hope I could stay this way but I will see. You have a pleasant day!
HI Paul,
Thanks very much. well, I guess this is something we all should be aware of. I will play safe. :-) You have a splendid evening!
Hi Hanuman,
Thanks very much. You know I intend to play safe but it doesn't turn out that way some times. The problem is I don't think I can deal with something more permanent right now... I am not a good boy... You have a wonderful day!
Hi Seekeronos,
Thanks very much. :-) I know I don't intentionally expose myself to HIV but it accidentally happened... I truly understand there is no perfect way to protect myself. But I try to play safe as always anyway. You have a wonderful day!
Hi Makeurchoice,
Thanks! You know I understand some people like yourself suggest me to find a permanent partner. I really think it's great to have a permanent partner but after getting out of the last relationship, I think I am not ready yet for another one. And my rule for the permanent relationship is that "If my partner cheats on me behind my back where I don't see it, that's okay." so it doesn't mean having a permanent lover means "safe" in my book. you know.... Good day!
Hi Mush,
Yeah, this is something we can casually talk about. However you are afraid of, you cannot change the situation until the results come back. Your suggestion is very great. :-) Aren't you sweet? Thanks very much. and I will try my best. :-) yay. You have a fantastic day!
Hi Tim,
Yeah, it wasn't really fun at all. But I couldn't really share it until yesterday. I didn't notice I've sounded a little different recently? how different? :-) Anyway, thanks very much and I am very very relieved at this point. You have a fantabulous day!
Hi Tiptup,
Thanks verymuch. :-) Yay. I am not afraid of getting laid but I don't think i am going to do that with a stranger when I am very drunk anymore... You have a good day!
Hi Lifebook,
Yeah, I usually get tested every 4 months. So I will definitely do that. But this time, I took three different tests with very expensive thingies. I was assured I am negative 99%. I am hoping I am not that 1% of the case. :-) You have a wonderful day!
Hi Gregg,
Thank you. hahaha. Teeth proof condoms? I am sure if they existed, they would be very thick. But they go "what?" In the meantime, I will do the next best thing. You have a wonderful day!
Hi Kiss My Mike,
Thanks very much. Oh yeah, there was a very good lesson. You think getting head is practically safe. But it's not if you are not careful. Really. yeah, it's good to be safe all the time while some people prefer not to do that which I don't see the point though.... You have a great day!
Hi Fashmagslag,
Thanks very much. Yeah, HIV test is really scary even if you know you have been safe. Well, they do have that but you cannot get an accurate result if you think you have been exposed to HIV less than 3 months. Since I was 2 and a half months away from the possible exposure, I didn't take that test. You have a wonderful day!
HI Ca va pas la tete,
Well, it's not something I could talk about with friends casually so I kept it to myself until I was sure what I was. Yup. We do have to play safe! You have a gorgeous day!
Hi Naomi,
Thanks very much. Well, I should be tested again but I usually get tested every 4 months. So I am alright. ;-) And this time, I took three different tests that were very expensive. The doctor told me it's 99% accurate. So let's just hope I am not the case of that 1%. :-) You have a wonderful day!
Sorry I'm a day late. But we've all had these kind of scares, and nothing anyone says or does can help u feel better.
*HUGS!!*
Cheer up! You learned something!
Very common experience for anyone who is responsible about sex. You're not alone, bro. Try not to be depressed. Just accept the safety and fear as par for the course.
Some say that once we know the nature of the beast, we can accept it and adjust.
But, that being said, it is never easy to wait. And especially for gay guys, regardless of the advances in testing, there is always the thought that we might be positive with even the slightest cold or illness.
BTW, I love the new oral swab test the returns a result in a few minutes.
Ugh, I have totally been through this. I have made a few terrible decisions. I am not sure what is most upseting, the feeling that I would put my life at risk without much thought just so I could feel some imtamacy, or knowing that because I made that decision I am now dealing with having to get tested, explain it to friends....etc... I think that the older you get and the more you start to care about yourself, the less inclined you are to go through something like this... that is just my story, though. Thank you for sharing and I hope you are safe in the future. 30 seconds can change your life forever.
i have heard about the cruising sleazy theatre in tokyo somewhere, in fact i have tried to look for it (for touristy sake) the last time i was there. where is it exactly? (Obverously i did not find it)
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